so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
