i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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