kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
