dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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