We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
