just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
