Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
