Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
