She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
