I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
too bad you live with your parents still
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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