its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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