please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
