I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
then he tried to convert me to islam
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
