I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
