OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
