Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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