Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
