My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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