I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize