Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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