Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
