You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
