im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I enjoy the company of your penis
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
