omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
