dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
