We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
