Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just want to make out with him forever
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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