I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
