My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
