She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
