I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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