I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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