I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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