Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
