He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
