im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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