He had one of those small greek statue penises
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
