New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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