dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
