I smell stomach acid.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
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