Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
