I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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