Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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