I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
