watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
