Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
