He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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