my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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