Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
