I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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