A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
As shirtless as possible
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
