did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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