Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
