dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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