ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
