How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
