I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
