During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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