ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
