3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I think my moral compass just broke
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
